Uncomplicated Perimenopause Podcast Episode Three

Speaker 1 0:06

Welcome to the Uncomplicated Perimenopause Podcast . I'm Kate Grosvenor , your friendly perimenopause expert and life coach .

Speaker 2 0:15

And I'm Gabriella Kate's daughter , representing all the women who are nowhere near perimenopause but want to understand it better .

Speaker 1 0:23

Whether you're just starting your perimenopause journey deep into it . Better , whether you're just starting your perimenopause journey deep into it or you're a loved one trying to support someone who is we've got you covered .

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We'll be answering all of your burning questions , exploring the ups and downs and sharing expert advice and personal insights .

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So grab a cup of tea , get comfy and let's dive into the wonderful . Get comfy and let's dive into the wonderful , sometimes wild , world of perimenopause together .

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And remember , no matter where you are on your journey , you are not alone .

Speaker 1 0:55

Welcome to the Uncomplicated Perimenopause . Hello , my darlings , and welcome to episode three , season two , obviously , obviously , the uncomplicated perimenopause podcast .

Speaker 2 1:09

I'm kate grovner perimenopause expert and life coach . But I'm gabriella grovner , kate's daughter , still learning with you all yeah , I think I feel like I'm learning .

Speaker 1 1:15

At the moment , brain fog is fogging um . How are you , my lovely ? You're laughing . I was laughing at you this today because you're literally dressed up like santa right yeah , I'm wearing whoever's watching on youtube .

Speaker 2 1:25

You can see , but if not , I'm wearing a big fluffy santa like jumper red jumper yeah , and then your big black slippers , yeah , so you did actually walk in like santa .

Speaker 1 1:35

I was like doing all the berries today . I was feeling very , very autumnal rather than winter and you walked in like santa which is christ two weeks , I know , but we haven't really done much decorations yet , have we ?

Speaker 2 1:47

No , but I am so organised with my Christmas gifts that I feel ready . Everything has arrived . Everyone's gifts are here , better than expected , sorted .

Speaker 1 1:56

And I'm literally backwards this year . I'm normally like on it and I'm just not . Yeah , the thing is right . We need to have a discussion , I think , with a family kind of um agreement next year , because I always feel like I can't do the decorations until rowan turned from uni and she's late this year and jenna's gonna be and yeah . So I feel like we need to make an agreement next year that I'm allowed to do decorations when people are not here but then both your youngest kids are not going to be here .

Speaker 1 2:21

you're going to decorate , decorate , yeah but I feel like you know at some point they're not going to be home until , like , christmas Eve . Like are you with me and I can't keep delaying Christmas until they show up .

Speaker 2 2:32

Well , I heard that's what Germans do . They put the Christmas tree up Christmas Eve and it gets taken down 26th .

Speaker 1 2:38

Yeah well , but the thing is , I'm not German and I'd actually like to put my Christmas tree up at the 1st of December , so when are we doing it this ? Year . Today's the 10th . Yeah , I know it's like I'd like to put my Christmas tree up . I think Scott's going to do it today for me .

Speaker 2 2:53

Yeah , we need to speak about that .

Speaker 1 2:55

Oh , no , we don't . You would do no , why ? What do we need to speak about ?

Speaker 2 2:59

Jen and I decided there's going to be a democracy when it comes to where the Christmas tree is going . It's not a dictatorship . We don't like where you want to put it . It doesn't make sense .

Speaker 1 3:08

It does . It does Because you need to get to . This is Right . If we're going to discuss this on air , okay , fine , fine , let's have a discussion .

Speaker 2 3:17

I'm ready .

Speaker 1 3:20

People listening to this are going to think our house is very , very odd by what I'm about to say . They probably already do . Rowan needs access to her harp , yeah , so if we move the grand piano , if we move the grand piano to a different direction , more in the middle , block off access to the other piano , this is going to sound weird to everybody listening .

Speaker 2 3:38

Or put it the other side of the room , where no instruments have to be moved , which is your original plan which is why we moved furniture , but the kittens are going to have , they're going to be literally wrecking the they will , no matter where it is . They're kittens . Democracy .

Speaker 1 3:55

That's not a democracy , that's just .

Speaker 2 3:57

No , because we were supposed to move it yesterday . That's a rebellion .

Speaker 1 4:00

That's not a democracy . Okay , we'll see .

Speaker 2 4:04

Anyway , christmas talkover , yes , but this question does have something to do with Christmas actually , so it's quite good that we tied it all in together , not planned .

Speaker 1 4:12

Okay , hit me with a question . So , becky , from our Facebook group .

Speaker 2 4:16

Hello Becky from our Facebook group From the UK . Okay Says I love your podcast . I only discovered it last week and since then I've been catching up with the episodes . Nice , I think a great topic to discuss would be surviving the stress and overwhelming time of the Christmas and holiday period . I don't know if I'm qualified to answer this Not after what you just heard Whilst in perimenopause and raising teenage daughters it's a tough time . It does yes .

Speaker 1 4:46

Am I qualified after you've rebelled against me ? I haven't done anything for christmas . I'm really , really overwhelmed . You know , I get it okay . That's the question . Yeah , okay , I feel spectacularly underqualified . No , well , um , first of all , thank you for your lovely message , becky , and for binge watching the episodes . That's fab . I'm very thrilled that you've done that and and found us . Um , right , okay , I mean , it's going to strike a chord with a lot of people . I'm not . I'm not overwhelmed by Christmas . I'm just teasing , I'm just under prepared . So there is a difference .

Speaker 2 5:19

There is a very big difference .

Speaker 1 5:20

I'm just chilled I'm too chilled , probably about it . So raising teens and feeling overwhelmed , and Christmas , it will strike a chord with a lot of people . So let's dive in , because it is a really , really timely topic , I have to say , and we want our listeners to thrive , don't we Not just survive ? Yeah , so that's the point , okay . So I think the thing is we all think that the holiday season should be magical . We all really want it to be magical , don't we ? It's the most wonderful time .

Speaker 2 5:51

Like how you feel when you're a kid .

Speaker 1 5:53

Yeah , but for so many of us in perimenopause it's more like an endurance test than the season to be jolly . And in perimenopause , your , when your hormones are so unpredictable and they fluctuate so much , and then you've got the whirlwind of raising teenagers . It's no wonder really that it's , it is so overwhelming

Prioritizing Self-Care During Perimenopause

Speaker 1 6:16

. Um , and the to-do list , the expectations on your , I mean , first of all , I don't call them to-do lists , you know that , right , yeah , that's too routine .

Speaker 2 6:24

Well , it's too routine . I don't call them to-do lists , you know that , right , yeah , because that's too routine-y .

Speaker 1 6:26

Well , it's too routine-y and I don't like being told what to do . I don't . I won't even tell myself what to do , because I feel it's after many years of being put in a box by no names mentioned .

Speaker 2 6:39

It wasn't me . No , it wasn't me .

Speaker 1 6:46

But I call them to-do lists yeah , so first and foremost , I would get rid of a to-do list and call them a to-do list , because if you call them to-do list . You can tick it off and go to-do . Um , which is much more fun than just ticking off a to-do list , because when you the if you , the thing about a to-do list is that , um , it's just a list of instructions . You're being told what to do and then when you do it , even if it's by you , though , yes , because once you've done it , you just go .

Speaker 1 7:09

I've done that and there's still a load of other things to do . Well , if you make a ta-da list , you take it off and go ta-da . It's like you celebrate each and every little piece that's cute and it's .

Speaker 1 7:19

It's much more so . That that's my first tip just make a ta-da's , not to-do list , um , but the thing it's . We , we impose our own expectations and with perimenopause , I think you have to set realistic expectations and it's . I don't want you to think that you're the walking wounded or you're not well or there's something wrong with you if you're in perimenopause . But you have to bear in mind your energy is lower than normal , your patience is thinner than it would normally be and you're tired , you're fatigued . So you have to just bear that in mind when you're setting your expectations . You're not ill , you're not ill , you're not sick .

Speaker 1 8:06

But if you were if , for example , you were pregnant , you would take it easier yeah , probably yes , I know you're not creating life and you're not , you know , carrying a child , but you're very hormonal and very exhausted and you only have a finite amount of energy and you just need to be really kind to yourself and not stretch yourself too thin and do everything for everyone . Also , in terms of pressure , you don't have to create the perfect holiday people that you love , because christmas is all about spending time with people you love . Right ditch the people that you feel meh about . If you don't absolutely love someone , don't do obligations . Yeah , do people that you love .

Speaker 2 8:50

So ready is stressful enough time for the people you do love .

Speaker 1 8:54

So you know , if there's people that you feel like but we always see Sheila and Bob on a Christmas , but nobody really likes them and you get the feeling that they you know it's an obligation rather than a joy D figure out some kind of excuse and just or just say you're not coming , you know , or don't get in contact with them and just hope they don't remember it . You know , no is a full sentence and you don't have to .

Speaker 1 9:15

You don't have to give rationale or reason for everything , and we're going to talk about boundaries , to be fair , in a little bit , because boundaries are very , very important . But don't feel obliged to do things just because you've always done them . You can literally prioritize yourself and your energy , because being drained will spoil the holiday for you and if you're feeling really unwell and feeling really unhappy , in many ways it will spoil the experience for everybody else because they want to spend time with you it's your holiday too it is , and nobody wants mum to be knackered yeah

Speaker 1 9:51

and and unhappy . So if you layer onto that the physical and emotional changes of perimenopause brain fog , anxiety , everything else suddenly , you know , decking the halls feels like climbing up a mountain . It's not fun . So how do we navigate it ? Because we want to do it with grace , we want to do it with you know , without losing the plot . So , as I said , prioritize yourself is number one . Okay , and I can feel all the women going yeah , prioritize myself , rolling your eyes , but you can't pour from an empty cup .

Speaker 2 10:23

We say it every time , don't we Not that specific saying ?

Speaker 1 10:25

but yeah , Well , you can't pour from an empty cup , you can't give what you don't have . I mean , whichever way you want to say it .

Speaker 2 10:34

That's a big one . You can't give what you don't have .

Speaker 1 10:36

You can't love more than you have love for yourself . You can't live what you don't have . You can't use energy that you don't possess . So it's really interesting , actually , that you can't love more than you love yourself . Every single mother that I've ever talked to goes no , I love my daughter more than I love myself .

Speaker 1 10:55

Well , you can't , because you can't give what you don't have right , I don't know you can't it , every single , every single mother that I'll ever speak to say no , I love my daughter more than I love myself . You can't , you , literally can't you . You , you want to and you'll , you'll , give her everything you'll give her more than you'd give yourself .

Speaker 1 11:17

You give her more than you give yourself , but you can't love them more than you love yourself . You , you , you'll do your best and you'll give from obligation and you'll give everything that you can't love them more than you love yourself . You'll do your best and you'll give from obligation and you'll give everything that you can and you'll take care of them and you will do whatever you can do . But you have to . You don't give from the right place and it takes . Do you remember ? I used to be a shouty mum , right , all the time . How often do I shout now ? Unless it's a stupid ginger cat that we have but , but how often do you hear me shout ?

Speaker 2 11:53

not often well , not often at all at who the cats .

Speaker 1 11:57

The cats when the ginger cats being an idiot kittens just about to jump in the fire , or something ridiculous .

Speaker 2 12:02

Yeah , completely changed .

Speaker 1 12:03

But because I worked on myself . A mindset is the most important thing , the most important thing , and so taking 10 minutes for yourself , whether it's going for a walk , whether it's drinking a lovely cacao or whether it's , you know , have a cup of tea or you know , doing 10 minutes of meditation , taking 20 minutes out for you , whatever it is , is the thing that will keep you sane at Christmas . So , you know , don't wrap until the midnight hours . You know , do it in small bite sized pieces and build in daily moments for yourself , really , really important . You know , do it in small bite-sized pieces , yeah , and build in daily moments for yourself , mm-hmm .

Speaker 1 12:44

Really , really important .

Speaker 2 12:45

Yeah .

Managing Expectations and Self-Care for Christmas

Speaker 1 12:47

Number two delegate like an absolute queen If you have teenage children .

Speaker 2 12:56

they are Teenage daughters as well . Okay , mm .

Speaker 1 12:58

Well , I mean , I would argue , I mean I don't . I've never had male children . As you know , Sons , I don't know what sons are like , so I wouldn't want to say I wouldn't delegate to sons . But you know , teenage girls can help . They should have responsibilities . They should learn how to make mince pies , they should be able to wrap presents , they should be able to .

Speaker 2 13:19

Do any of your daughters know how to make mince pies ?

Speaker 1 13:25

I don't really . No , no , I'm teaching you this year . That's , that's that , but you should . You know , you , when the girls were little , your little , your younger sisters , you always helped me wrap stockings . It was non-negotiable . Because I'm not wrapping , how many stockings have I got to the csc ? Yeah , yeah , yeah , I'm not doing that on my own and one of them is a boy this year .

Speaker 1 13:42

One of them is a boy this year , and one of them is a boy this year because your French cousin's coming over . So I'm not wrapping six Christmas stockings because I've got you three and then your two stepsisters and your French cousin's coming over .

Speaker 2 13:55

We had a great time last year when we had to do five of them Put on Made in Chelsea . I Chelsea . I took one person's stocking , you took another's . Brilliant , it was a great time . We me and you had a great bonding session . Lovely love that we binge watched our favorite show and it was just a good time it was and it was productive .

Speaker 1 14:14

Absolutely put the fire on , sat in front of an open fire everyone else was not allowed in the room .

Speaker 2 14:19

We kind of extended the time a little bit of what we said we were wrapping . Oh yeah , jenna's gonna watch this no we didn't . No , we didn't , it was .

Speaker 1 14:28

I'm telling porkies yes , but no , we , you know you can delegate . You know things like okay , this is gonna make me sound like really , but if you've got silverware to clean with crystal glasses to polish , you can get that done in advance . Lackings to iron Candles , because you know the candles to do . In the candle sits Whatever it is however you do your Christmas okay . You can get prepared in advance , make a list and delegate . Yeah , you've got to free your energy up for more meaningful things . You do not have to do it all .

Speaker 2 15:00

Yeah , and you have a team yes .

Speaker 1 15:02

Partner kids and if do not have to do it all , yeah , and you have a team yes , partner kids . And if you get the kids involved everyone takes ownership of it , everybody enjoys it more . I really think you do if you take , if you give the kids remember that year when um scott and amelie did the um the christmas thing above the table .

Speaker 2 15:17

It was stunning and I get I just handed over responsibility and crossed my fingers and was like please , lord .

Speaker 1 15:22

But but it looked amazing and they were so proud of it .

Speaker 2 15:25

As long as you don't pass over the cooking to anyone , hell , no we're good .

Speaker 1 15:29

No one's going in my kitchen on Christmas Day . Can you imagine roast potatoes done by someone else ? Not at all , I'm so excited . Nobody does Christmas dinner like I do Christmas dinner .

Speaker 2 15:43

No , I'm so excited . No , I can taste the roast potatoes and broccoli cheese now lashings on lashings of gravy .

Speaker 1 15:53

Yes , no , I do do a good christmas dinner , I have to say . Speaking of which , though , perfect is overrated I would .

Speaker 2 16:00

I would disagree . Your christmas dinner is perfect it's always perfect , so I'm not having that one but don't go for perfect focus on memories .

Speaker 1 16:11

Memories are what's important , not Instagram worthy pictures . Don't go . I mean I'm not a big one for matching PJs anyway , and you're not , actually , I'm not but you know you do christmas however you want to . If you want to do matching pjs , do matching pjs . If you want to do like the perfect tree , do the perfect tree . But don't aim for perfect , please like aim for memories . It sometimes the best christmases we've had , a bit of being the scrappy ones where things have just gone slightly pear shaped but it's because we were together , we , we did it together as a team that's the thing for

Speaker 1 16:45

sure you know , we've had some strange family situations where we've been invited somewhere and then it's all gone . Yeah , don't look . Yeah , um , it's all been a bit wrong and we've had to manage at the last minute and stuff , and they've been some great christmases those are the ones we remember . Yeah . So please , please , please don't . I just don't want people to put pressure on themselves , thinking it's going to be perfect , because it really really doesn't . I agree , sometimes less is more .

Speaker 2 17:15

With a lot of things .

Speaker 1 17:17

So you don't have to do 29 courses . Just a good turkey dinner goes a long way . And I think as well sometimes like the whole pudding situation , like I've always made for you guys , like the panettone , because you've never liked Christmas pudding . I do Christmas pudding for me and my dad and Scott .

Speaker 2 17:35

Oh yeah , you sometimes have a little bit yeah .

Speaker 1 17:38

But boundaries . Boundaries are important and they're not to be mean to somebody . They don't have to be angry . They're not there to punish people . They're a way to protect yourself , so that you and the other person can coexist yeah , I can imagine as well .

Speaker 2 17:57

Around christmas you invite extended family in laws , yes , and you have to do . Need be boundaries there , do ?

Speaker 1 18:02

need to be boundaries , because saying no to extra commitments and managing the expectations of extended family is really important , because if it doesn't bring you joy , you need to let it go , just on the basis of impairment . Of course , again , not bound , you know you're not . You haven't got bound bountiful energy , you haven't got extra to go around . So you really have to prioritize . But if you just remember that boundaries are there to protect you , they're not there to to keep everybody out . It's not an angry barbed wire fence . It's there so that you can coexist with people that you care about . Yeah , so that you have enough energy and enough joy and enough just loveliness for the people that you want in your life . It's not there to be mean , so it's not . Boundaries are not aggressive . They're actually lovely and peaceful , but they're there just to rebound the people . Do you like the Patronus charm in Harry Potter ? They're always lovely , does and rabbits and gorgeous creatures . They're not snakes , and you know aggressive monsters , snakes .

Speaker 2 19:12

No , but they're not , they're always beautiful creatures .

Speaker 1 19:15

They're like rabbits and deer and stuff like that .

Speaker 2 19:18

The ones you look in the woods and go oh , and that's what a boundary should be .

Speaker 1 19:22

It should be this protective , beautiful woodland creature . That's what a boundary should be it should be this protective , beautiful woodland creature that's there to look after you and , oh , it's gorgeous , but it keeps out the dementors . So that's what a boundary is .

Speaker 1 19:34

It's something gorgeous and kind and lovely yeah but you , it's not gonna stops you from something that sucks you dry of energy . Okay , um , and the last one and this is a big one and it's a perfect segue I'm going to use to tell you something really exciting mindset . Your mindset matters , your mindset is the most important thing . You , if you go into christmas thinking this is a shit show , this is gonna bleed me dry , I can't . If you go into the , into this holiday period , thinking I'm I can't cope , um , it's gonna be too much for me . I don't know how I'm gonna do this . This is gonna beat me . Um , I , I just don't have enough .

Speaker 1 20:19

You'll go in there with this like panic mentality and you'll you kind of freeze up and you're becoming , you start to procrastinate and then , when you procrastinate , your procrastination is always your brain's reaction to overwhelm . So as soon as you start to feel overwhelmed , your brain just goes freeze and then you don't get anything done . And then , as soon as that happens , the list gets bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger , and you're sat there kind of like , almost like in your mind , opening and closing browser tabs , yeah , and next thing , you know it's getting further and further towards Christmas and you're staying awake and you feel anxious at night time . I haven't done any of this .

Speaker 1 21:01

And as always , the kind of onus is on the woman . You know , very rarely does the man organize Christmas . I mean most men show up and go . What ? What have we got the kids ?

Speaker 2 21:11

Yeah , yeah .

Speaker 1 21:13

You know it's not like that . A lot of them don't know I hate .

Speaker 2 21:18

I hate to say that the dads are just as surprised as the kids .

Speaker 1 21:28

I can tell you about something really exciting , as we were going to release this . I think this this episode . Is it the 10th that we release this ? I think it would be . Let me just check my supersonic watch um , yes , with the 10th . So on December the 19th , I am hosting a mindset mastery masterclass and it's designed to help you , the listener , approach life and the holidays and it's online yeah , so I mean the reason that we're doing it's completely free .

Speaker 1 22:00

Um , I'm just giving back at the end of the year . Basically , um , it's designed to help you go into the holiday season and into 2025 with a very calm focus and empowered mindset . So I'm going to be sharing tools that you can , that everyone can use immediately . So , um , you it can . It's going to help you reframe stress . It's going to help anyone um that wants to . It's online . You can watch on catch up as well , but if you can join live , you can ask me questions , because it's going to be on zoom and it's going to help you cultivate resilience and it's going to be a really wonderful way to just prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the season . So , if it's an open invitation to anybody that wants to come , I'm doing it , as I said , completely free . It's giving back at the end of the year will you put the link in the .

Speaker 1 22:49

I'll put the link in the show notes . Um , so anybody literally that wants to join is very , very welcome I'm looking forward to that as well .

Speaker 2 22:57

I know obviously I'm going , but I'm really excited for that one .

Speaker 1 22:59

Yeah , it's good , I think we all need it for yeah it's going to be lovely , it's going to be , online a bit , couple of hours , and it's just going to be a great way to go into the , say , end of the year year and into the holiday season . So if you're feeling overwhelmed or if you just want to feel more grounded and present , I just invite anyone to come and join me . I say completely free , it's an hour or two . You know that will just transform the way that you approach the holidays and you know it's the new year . Yeah , and you deserve to start the new year with clarity , with strength , you know , just feeling like you're more on top of it . So , um , yeah , I hope that helps .

Speaker 1 23:38

Becky , it's just just remember that the holidays are about , um , connection , they're about love , they're about togetherness , not perfection , yeah , and you have to make the christmas season work for you rather than the other way around . Yeah and yeah , and obviously sign up for the masterclass , because that will be your secret weapon . Yeah , but yes , just don't get caught up in creating the perfect Christmas , because it's just not worth it . It really isn't . The more relaxed you are , more wonderful the christmas will feel , um , rather than trying to create the perfect experience , at which point you'll get tense and then the whole household gets tense .

Speaker 2 24:22

So I hope that helps really , it was a perfect question for this time of year yeah , it was a lovely one , becky .

Speaker 1 24:27

Thank you , darling . Hope we've answered it for you . Um , yeah , so , as always , if you have any questions , as becky did , put put the question inside the group or you can whatsapp us . The whatsapp number will be underneath the show notes and you're welcome to whatsapp us if you want to send it in , uh , anonymously , or if you just fancy whatsapping us if you're listening to this on spotify or apple podcasts or youtube or god knows what else . We there's all over the place , isn't it ? Um , so , yeah , we hope you enjoy listening to this podcast , and we're getting towards the end of 2024 and I've only had a whole year .

Speaker 1 25:06

I know my brain's just like what are we doing ?

Speaker 2 25:09

this has been a fast year , quick , right , very , I feel like this year in particular , whoa yeah , I know my 50th that was seven months ago . I know zoom , zoom , crazy great great .

Speaker 1 25:23

I don't know why I've got to repeat every word . I'm going to go before I start going off and squirrels . Alright , my darlings , have a beautiful week . Thank you so much for listening . As always , take care of yourselves , speak kindly to yourselves and we will speak to you soon . Bye , thanks for joining us today on the uncomplicated perimenopause podcast . We hope you found this episode helpful and inspiring .

Speaker 2 25:54

Don't forget if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover , you can reach out through our perimenopause group or on whatsapp for more information on my coaching , perimenopause supplements , books or upcoming events , please visit wwwkatebrovnercom and if you've enjoyed today's episode , please subscribe , rate and review our podcast . It really helps us reach more listeners , just like you . Until next time .

Speaker 1 26:19

Remember . Perimenopause doesn't have to be complicated . We're here to help you every step of the way .

Speaker 2 26:25

Stay uncomplicated Bye .