Speaker 1: 0:06

Welcome to the Uncomplicated Perimenopause Podcast. I'm Kate Grosvenor, your friendly perimenopause expert and life coach.

Speaker 2: 0:15

And I'm Gabriella Kate's daughter, representing all the women who are nowhere near perimenopause but want to understand it better.

Speaker 1: 0:23

Whether you're just starting your perimenopause journey deep into it. Better, whether you're just starting your perimenopause journey deep into it or you're a loved one trying to support someone who is we've got you covered.

Speaker 2: 0:32

We'll be answering all of your burning questions, exploring the ups and downs, and sharing expert advice and personal insights.

Speaker 1: 0:39

So grab a cup of tea, get comfy and let's dive into the wonderful, sometimes wild, world of perimenopause together.

Speaker 2: 0:47

And remember, no matter where you are on your journey, you are not alone.

Speaker 1: 0:51

Welcome to the Uncomplicated Perimenopause. Hello, my darlings, and welcome to episode 23 of the uncomplicated perimenopause podcast. I'm Kate Grosvenor and I'm a perimenopause expert and life coach.

Speaker 3: 1:10

And I'm Gabriela Grosvenor, kate's daughter Sick, but here to learn with you all. I know you poor thing.

Speaker 1: 1:15

She's an optic trooper today. Since we recorded the last one, you've just not recovered, but it has been really bad. Yeah, I mean I took Roan to the doctors the other day and the doctor was just like, yeah, I mean she took one look at it and went I know what's wrong with you, you're sick, you're sick, you is sick girl, because it was literally everybody's had this bug. Yeah, thanks, rowan. Well, okay, don't blame your sister.

Speaker 3: 1:45

Everybody has had it, though. Literally I've had it, scott's had it, you've had it. I don't think jenna had it, though. No, but you and I've had it twice.

Speaker 1: 1:48

Scott had it twice, jenna didn't get it at all, but then again that girl's never worn a coat since she was maybe that's the secret, maybe actually being irresponsible you should just not care, and never it's a mind over matter thing well, maybe just, you know, just have an immune system, that's bulletproof we all can't be 17 though no, no, we all can't be 17. I wouldn't want to be. Do you know genuinely?

Speaker 3: 2:09

no, I couldn't no, genuinely.

Speaker 1: 2:10

Somebody asked me this the other day wouldn't you want your 20, or wouldn't you want to be 20 again? Imagine I was like, oh my hell, no, the thought of being 20 year and again is just horrific what is a good age then?

Speaker 3: 2:21

that you'd all decade go back 50. For a day? No, I couldn't bear it.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Okay, I am so content being 50. Genuinely at peace, happy would not want.

Speaker 3: 2:36

I actually put a post up in our life coaching group two or three months ago. Just that one, Just as a fun poll which decade you've enjoyed of your age the most is in 20s up until 60s.

Speaker 1: 2:48

most people said their 50s it's lovely yeah, I think two people said their 20s and that was it, but they might be in their 30s, we don't know yeah, yeah, no, it's delicious because so I was on tiktok, you know, because chronically online and this guy yesterday was saying how do you guys do it? You just go and eat in a restaurant on your on your own, like how can you just go and have a meal on your own? And all the women my age went you just go into a restaurant, order your food, sit down and enjoy. And he was like I don't get it and it's like it's called not giving a shit.

Speaker 3: 3:19

I think during the day, during the general normal working day, we have more to think about then. How am I gonna eat in a row? That's so powery.

Speaker 1: 3:28

It's a guy he must have been. If I had to guess, he was like, I'd say, early 30s, and he was like just how, how do you do that? And and I was just like it's called being comfortable in your own skin not caring what other people think, I have got more things on my.

Speaker 1: 3:43

If I'm going to, let's say, for I've gone to meet a client, I've done a once, you know, I've had a once-on-meeting with a client, I'm meeting another client or I've got some other form of thing going on and I need to eat, I will think, oh fantastic, I can go and have a bit of me time. I can go and either stare out and watch the pigeons while I'm eating. Yeah, or I can people watch, or I can sit and just be whilst I eat. That's like luxury, me time.

Speaker 3: 4:09

That guy can't spend time on his own, he's not comfortable being on his own. Then, do you know?

Speaker 1: 4:13

I felt like putting a red flag. Do you know what would be lovely If we could put red flags on men's accounts secretly, like a woman you know? You know right, bear with. Like a woman, you know right, bear with. Do you know you can make whistle, you can buy whistles that only dogs could hear. Wouldn't it be great if you could put flags on the counts that only women could see?

Speaker 3: 4:31

Oh my God, yeah, that flag guy account could do it for us.

Speaker 1: 4:33

Yes, dustin Porter, you know the green flag, red flag yeah, Dustin Right. Oh, I love him. If you don't know what we're talking about. You have to search dustin porter flag guy flag guy, because he's like in flag, he's honey honey roast. It's brilliant, but do you know what I mean? If you could, just put a flag going this guy's chronically insecure girls he can't be on his own so he's the kind of guy that's going to want to move in with you, really, really quick.

Speaker 3: 4:58

I tag dustin in green in posts that I think men are green flags or red flags people post it yeah. I tag him in it and then he makes the videos off it. Honestly brilliant how we digressed so quickly. This was a good shout out to Dustin. Yeah, justin, we love you. Lots of love, dustin, yeah yes, we love you.

Speaker 1: 5:16

Darling right don't know what I'm doing with them. I digress. What are we talking about, my lovely Gabriella?

Speaker 3: 5:21

so this is actually really funny. It's really funny, just, it's only funny, just because. So this lady called Sally I don't know where she's from, she didn't post anything, but she was listening to the last episode of the podcast and she was like do you know what? I'll take one for the team. I'll ask oh no about, you know, when we were discussing hormones with teenagers and stuff oh yeah so what she yeah? So she said that she'll take one for the team and ask the question so what?

Speaker 3: 5:46

she's the question that she put. It was so she said she'll take one for the team and then wrote me a question. She just said she'd like to understand how to balance having teenagers in perimenopause.

Speaker 1: 5:55

But also I didn't say someone take one for the team with teenage hormones, not obviously, just subject, and not just females, because it's not just period hormones, it's boys as well. Okay, no, I did. Legends, sally. Well done, I did actually sign myself up for this one. I've got to put my money where my mouth is now. I'm like be careful what you wish for.

Speaker 3: 6:14

Sally's on it.

Speaker 1: 6:16

So right Good one. Good one, careful what you wish for, right. So balancing I'm just putting this in my head. I wasn't expecting this one right balancing um teens or parenting teen. Balancing parenting teens with perimenopause is really hard you have two.

Speaker 1: 6:37

Well, yeah, I mean two teenagers and your lovely self who's 24, but it's perfectly natural to feel a range of emotions. I think we have to start with that. So anybody that's got teenagers and is in perimenopause, I just want to say I feel your pain. Okay. So solidarity, what's the? What's the um? Have you seen mockingbird, where they do a sign? I think we ought to develop a sign. So this is a. This is just bear with me, but I think we ought to have a sign or some kind of symbol, or a sticker or badge, and that puts us all in the same club that's having teenagers we're perimenopause and teenagers.

Speaker 1: 7:11

They ought to be like a pin or a sticker, or then what?

Speaker 3: 7:13

you just see each other from a while, yeah you some kind of symbol, some kind of like.

Speaker 1: 7:19

You know, I I feel your pain, okay, so it's a. It's rough, it really is. The only thing that would be rougher is if you have toddlers.

Speaker 3: 7:27

I think some women would. No, some women do.

Speaker 1: 7:29

But I think that was the only thing that would be worse than having being perimenopausal and having teenagers would be having a terrible tube.

Speaker 3: 7:38

So toddlers are worse than teenagers.

Speaker 1: 7:39

Toddlers are worse than teenagers, or just different bad? Yeah, just because they'd be exhausting. So basically, you're both going through transformative stages and they're both very demanding and they're both tumultuous, they're both like roller coasters. So, yeah, it's no small feat and you're, but you're both both sets of you, so I don't know if you've got. Did she say how many she's got?

Speaker 3: 8:01

no, okay, she just it was a lol kind of okay.

Speaker 1: 8:03

So basically, both you and your teen slash teens. I'm going to presume it's teens, yeah yeah, just because it matters she did say teenagers.

Speaker 3: 8:11

Okay, so let's presume it's more than one.

Speaker 1: 8:13

So you're, you're going through, you're both. Basically both of you are going through hormonal shifts, and that can feel very, very overwhelming. So I just want to say, first and foremost, it's okay that you find it challenging. So that's why I always say that at the beginning of every podcast.

Speaker 1: 8:28

But, it really is. It's okay that you find it challenging, it's okay that it's hard, it's okay that it's overwhelming, it's not okay for you, but it's okay that you are finding it so, because we all do so it's it's just to say that in the beginning, it's not you, it's all of us. Yeah, okay, um, so first of all, let's talk about what's going on hormonally for them and then what's going on for hormonally for you. So, if you understand that hormones impact their emotional responses, I think is first and foremost they're quite reaction-based people, aren't they teenagers?

Speaker 1: 9:02

absolutely so. Teenage years are marked by hormones like estrogen, testosterone and growth hormones, and that's the one that we sometimes forget, especially with boys. So girls may have peaked with their growth hormones early, and obviously I don't know if sally has girls or boys but, boys, girls might have their growth hormone stages. Pre-periods are usually the bigger ones.

Speaker 1: 9:23

So girls might be a little bit growth hormony earlier, so they can sometimes have their surges, let's say sometimes year seven, year eight, whatever, and sometimes as early as year six. I was year six, yeah, yeah, boys can be year nine year ten year eleven real teenage years.

Speaker 1: 9:42

Yes, yeah, so it depends if you have girls or boys, but anyway. So teenagers have estrogen, testosterone and growth hormones and they really do lead to mood swings and when you have that you're going to have impulsivity, so they're going to do things on a whim and real heightened sensitivity. So it's like you blow on them with a feather and they explode. And this is why, for teenagers, they have extreme emotional reactions Like and you're looking at them going what was that?

Speaker 3: 10:15

You know, you look at them, I look at my sister sometimes and go what happened? What happened?

Speaker 1: 10:19

yeah, we were all just sitting here being normal human beings and you walked in and dropped a bomb and left yeah, excuse me. And and that's really what it's like and they have heightened sensitivity to absolutely everything, like you're having a very, very normal conversation, and they're very, very sensitive to things like passive aggression. So you can't be passive aggressive with them. You have to say you can't say wouldn't it be lovely if somebody emptied the dishwasher? It's going to make them just lose their shit.

Speaker 1: 10:50

It's better to say please could you empty the dishwasher. I'd really appreciate it. Then wouldn't it be lovely if someone did this?

Speaker 3: 11:03

If somebody would help me in the house, yeah, I'd feel so much better, is awful for them, and I hear that a lot actually from mothers and from it really is better just to say yeah, and not even say I've been at work all day and I'm really tired, so I would.

Speaker 1: 11:12

It would just mean the world to me someday, but nobody wants to do it and everyone don't do that. Don't do that. Just say I'm going to cook dinner in half an hour. This is what I'm making. Would you please kindly do the dishwasher before I stop? I'd really appreciate it. It's a much better way to tackle things. Yeah, okay, they're very sensitive to perceived passive aggression. They're very sensitive to passive aggression. Yeah, very, very sensitive to perceived criticism, even if you're not actually criticizing them. But that whole thing is really, really bad, okay, yeah, so, on the other hand, for you, you've got you've got fluctuating levels of estrogen and progesterone and a declining testosterone, so you're going to be irritable, like everything feels like it's the last bloody straw is it a different kind of irritability?

Speaker 1: 11:59

different kind of irritability because your hormones are on the way out, their hormones are on the way in. So they've got, they've got um.

Speaker 3: 12:06

They're learning the hormones still.

Speaker 1: 12:07

Well, they've got impulsivity and sensitivity.

Speaker 1: 12:09

You've got irritability because you want that progesterone yeah that progesterone is the soporific that progesterone is gonna is calming that. So you're the other way around. You you're craving hormones back. They've been dumped, all these hormones that have no clue what to do with. So you've also got mood swings. But you've got fatigue. Yeah, okay, because you're knackered, you're, you're everything that you, you like, your, your um testosterone's buggered off, um your oestrogens all over the place and you've got like huge moments of fatigue and anxiety. So you're feeling really bad. But also you've got life responsibility because you're having to hold down a job.

Speaker 1: 12:48

You're having to deal with their crap. Yeah, you're having to pay the bills. You might have to be dealing with elderly parents yeah you might have to deal with pets that they can't be asked with anymore because they're all about husbands don't even start um. So you've got a real challenge because you might be dealing, as I said, with your parents yeah and their medical stuff and their whatever's going on with them.

Speaker 1: 13:09

So, understanding these changes for both of you and just create I know it sounds like well, they just have to do with their shit because I'm doing mine but if you can create a space of more empathy that you're both going through ups and downs and you're both, you know, you're both having to deal with all of these things and just if you can get to a place where you both not a walking on eggshells, because that's not the point, but you both have this and then that brings up passive aggressiveness.

Speaker 3: 13:40

if you do that, yeah yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 13:41

So I think what's really important is being able to have direct communication, especially with teenagers again, rather than this, this passive aggression. So be direct but kind and that goes for boys and girls, definitely boys and girls. Honest communication, honest language, don't let frustration build up for either person. When you use, when you're, when you direct, you're actually because women have this thing where we want to people please. So we, especially women, we learned at a very young age oh, I don't want to upset anybody because you, you're their mother, you're aware that they're going through a lot and you want, you want to look after them, you want to be kind to them, you want to. You know, you want them to be happy, although you're quite sure if you punch them in the face because you've got your own irritability, you know. So it's a very double edged sword at the moment. You're trying to make them their life's happy, but then they roll their eyes and you're like I'm going to stab you with this fork.

Speaker 1: 14:40

But when you don't express to them what they're doing, you start to get resentful and that's when the passive aggression builds up. And then they're reacting to your nonverbal cues like you're going like this and you're trying you know you're trying not to your fists start balling up up or like trying to hold yourself together.

Speaker 1: 14:59

They start reacting to that and their resentment starts building up, which could all have been avoided if you just say um, sweetheart, can you just nip upstairs and bring all your plates down, so I'm just going to pop the dishwasher on. Would be a really easy way.

Speaker 3: 15:13

So what happens if you're in that position and then the teenager then rolls the rise about it? You've asked them very nicely. Yeah, they then roll the rise, don't?

Speaker 1: 15:20

react to it. Okay, just say, I mean, that's the thing. You can't choose what other people do ever, then we can never choose. So it's just a question of not, you can only choose your reaction to it. Yeah, so they, they are going through their thing and you have to be able to choose your thing. So I mean I'm going to talk about self-care in a second, because that's a really important part of you dealing with somebody else's hormones in the same space.

Speaker 1: 15:48

And I think the other thing is to model emotional awareness. Sometimes just acknowledging how you're feeling can help the other person, the teenager, understand that they're allowed, it's, it can be powerful to to talk about, yeah, emotions and hormones. So, for example, if you can, just if you can just acknowledge how you're feeling, saying things like I'm feeling a bit irritable today, I'm not feeling my, can be really great to show the other person it's okay to communicate without blaming anybody. So it's really horrible to teenagers also like you're you there's three of you girls are really close to me and if I was walking around with a face like sorry, like a slapped ass yeah you might think, one of you might think you've done something to me and then you, you might take on.

Speaker 1: 16:39

You might take that on board and think what, what's wrong with mummy? What, what's?

Speaker 3: 16:42

wrong with her?

Speaker 1: 16:42

what have I done to her? Yeah, I know which one that would be for the children of the children, because one of you's and a real empath and would take it on board. And then would. And then their mood you know which one? Their mood would start affecting everybody else's mood and it's a ripple effect.

Speaker 1: 17:01

Yeah, and then if you have more than one teenager in the house, that affects the other one, and that would impact the other one, and then yeah, maybe that would then start a fight somewhere else and then that would impact the other one, and then, yeah, maybe that would then start a fight somewhere else, and then that would impact another one, and then they might fight with one of their friends, or they might then have a fight with the other parent or something. Yeah so. So just by saying I'm not my best today, you know I'm feeling really, you know I'm just, I'm really not at my best so gives you, gives people permission to just give you a bit of wide berth, yeah, or maybe just give you a bit of sympathy.

Speaker 3: 17:29

We went through that you and me and Rowan last week yeah, all three of us in the house and you were not very well and going through your own stuff. Rowan and I were on our periods and we all just said, okay, I cannot sit with you today, I'm gonna have to be on my own today, and everybody respects it and that's the point of clear, can, can you see?

Speaker 1: 17:48

Yeah, clear and honest communication. I like that.

Speaker 3: 17:51

It did make a difference. Actually thinking about what it did to us growing up, you can say I'm just really not in the mood today, I don't want to talk about it. Can I just be left alone and everyone goes? Sure, and no one's feelings get hurt.

Speaker 1: 18:03

No, because you can just say I'm hormonal, yep, yep, I'm having a bad hormone day. Yeah, I'm having a bad day, yeah, and next time someone's at the shop, chocolate will be appreciated, yeah, and or somebody will go. Would you like me to make a hot water bottle, because we have that rule as well.

Speaker 3: 18:18

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 18:19

Anyone is allowed to.

Speaker 3: 18:20

Hot beverage.

Speaker 1: 18:20

Yes, a hot beverage, but anyone's allowed to claim.

Speaker 3: 18:33

Yeah, we have kind of mental vouchers because I can't imagine like, obviously I'm one of the children, but you as the mother dealing with your own stuff, and then two girls who are being hormonal. That's a lot.

Speaker 1: 18:45

Yeah, I'm so sorry, but if you communicate it gets a lot less tense, because if I know you're hormonal, I'm just not gonna poke the bear. Yeah, I'm just not gonna go there, I'm just gonna leave you in your den for the day, yeah, and you're okay. So being honest with your feelings really, really helps. And I think the other thing is just getting practical tips, just managing your needs and managing your self-care. And you know, like we're saying, just take a few minutes out of your day for yourself. So when you're feeling irritable the mother of Sally in this case the temptation is to push through and to think you know, I have to do it, I have to do it all.

Speaker 1: 19:28

You know, I'm a superwoman, I don't have time to sit and I don't know. We have this thing. I've got too much to do. That's the point in perimenopause where you have to go no. No, I'm not going to push through. I've got to take a few minutes to go on a small you know time out yourself, like you would your toddler, you know when your toddlers lost their, lost their when they were little.

Speaker 1: 19:50

When you feel yourself being that irritable, you have to go on a time out, Really important. Go for a short walk, Go for a bath. I mean for me, adding water to myself really helps.

Speaker 1: 20:01

Like bath shower, whatever. Manage your own emotions, because again that ripple effect will bounce on yourself, will bounce on your team. Whatever ripple effect or bounce on yourself or bounce on your team whatever massively respect your team's boundaries. I always did this for you and your sisters. I never go into your room without permission, ever. Jen says to me why don't you come to my room? As you should, though good on you for that ever gone into your rooms when you're not there, I don't go into.

Speaker 3: 20:24

I very rarely go into your rooms period like yeah, even if we're in there and you knock and you wait for the response and you know it's so like we're so appreciative of that. But it means a lot actually when parents do do that, because I've seen other parents that barge in and it's, it's stressful no, everybody needs their own space yeah and everybody needs to feel they have their own safe space and I have no business being in your room and parents go.

Speaker 1: 20:51

It's my house, no, my house, but that is your room. And unless there is something physically hazardous in there, like unless I need to call the the exterminators, like there's do you know what I mean like there's hazardous material, you know something's actually living, growing or whatever it's your space to do with, what you will. I mean, sometimes the girls will call me and say I need a new. Can you help me decorate? I want to change this. At that point I will go up there.

Speaker 3: 21:17

That's an invitation then.

Speaker 1: 21:19

Exactly if I'm invited, but other than that, respect boundaries massively.

Speaker 3: 21:23

And how do the teens respect the mum's boundaries or the parents' boundaries?

Speaker 1: 21:27

Yeah, mum, in this situation when, when, when you say to the teen, give me space, I'm not doing well, I need some space. That is that is the teen then need. When your mom says, when sally says I need a break, just give me a break like I need, but not in a give me a break. It's kind of like, okay, let's start this conversation again when I've had an hour. Let's start this conversation again when I've had an hour. Let's start this conversation at 7 30.

Speaker 1: 21:51

So I will say to your sisters yeah, um, I'm working right now or I'm just taking time out for myself and I'm very clear. Let's come back to me at eight o'clock and let's have a conversation. I can't do this right now because I'm busy, but let's, we've got a long car journey on saturday morning, let's, let's hash it out. And I never say no, I say I can't right now, but I give them the appointment time. I'll always say let's do it this time, let's do it at this point, yeah, so I think that really, really helps and you need to stick to that as the parent yeah, and just and just realize that rest and nutrition is going to be your best friend, for all of you.

Speaker 1: 22:28

So try and do that together. Do you know? It's just at the end of the day, I think. Perimenopause and teenage years both of these phases will go, and what will remain is the kind of beauty of your relationship. So just try and have patience with each other. When you've got times when you're both okay because it's you're it's not all, yeah. So when you've got when you're both coincidentally okay, when the gods align and the universe gives you that those little pockets of you're both okay at the same time, I think, just find ways to laugh with each other, support each other, yeah, have fun with each other and, um, above all, just remember, breathe. You're okay and you're on the same team. You're on the same team. You're on the same team. It will pass, because you will get through parentals, they will get through their teenage and just have.

Speaker 1: 23:15

Whenever you've got times when you're not at each other's like, when you're not just really both feeling rough, um, just remember that. Have a laugh with each other because you will both get through it and what will stay will be the beautiful relationship. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, and as always, if you have any questions for us, please do reach out, whatsapp us. Thank you so much for listening and we will speak to you. Last week's the last show in these in this one in season one.

Speaker 1: 23:39

Yeah, yeah so we can't wait to wrap up this season with you, and we will speak to you next week. Take care bye. Thanks for joining us today on the uncomplicated perimenopause podcast. We hope you found this episode helpful and inspiring don't forget.

Speaker 2: 24:05

if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, you can reach out through our perimenopause group or on WhatsApp For more information on my coaching perimenopause supplements, books or upcoming events.

Speaker 1: 24:17

Please visit wwwkategrovernercom.

Speaker 2: 24:21

And if you've enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate and review our podcast. It really helps us reach more listeners, just like you. Until next time.

Speaker 1: 24:30

Remember, perimenopause doesn't have to be complicated. We're here to help you every step of the way stay uncomplicated Bye.