Speaker 1: 0:06

Welcome to the Uncomplicated Perimenopause Podcast. I'm Kate Grosvenor, your friendly perimenopause expert and life coach, and I'm Gabriella, kate's daughter, representing all the women who are nowhere near perimenopause but want to understand it better. Whether you're just starting your perimenopause journey deep into it. Whether you're just starting your perimenopause journey deep into it or you're a loved one trying to support someone who is, we've got you covered. We'll be answering all of your burning questions, exploring the ups and downs and sharing expert advice and personal insights. So grab a cup of tea, get comfy and let's dive into the wonderful. Get comfy and let's dive into the wonderful, sometimes wild, world of perimenopause together. And remember, no matter where you are on your journey, you are not alone. Welcome to the Uncomplicated Perimenopause. Hello, my darlings, and welcome to episode 19 of the Uncomplicated Perimenopause Podcast. I'm Kate Grosvenor, perimenopause expert and life coach, and I'm Gabriella Grosvenor, kate's daughter, here to learn with everyone, with everyone today, not mixing it up, just push it, because I'm learning. Yes, you are, but this is, I feel like it's become a catchphrase Okay, fair play. So we're not recording on sunday this week, we're recording on a random thursday and it's hailing outside and I think that's very rude. It's sunny and it's hailing four seasons. Tell me you live in england without telling me you live in four seasons in one day. You won't remember crowded house, but there's a great song that they did back in the 90s called four seasons. I think it was four seasons in one day. Listen to, it's great. I don't know who they are. I'm having a resurgence of of tunes because um, rowan and Jenna, who are your younger sisters, are really into 80s hits and 90s hits and sometimes I get back. The thing is right. Music takes you back to an era in your life and sometimes I get into the car and they split my heart open in two without realizing that they're doing it like they take me back to a heartbreak or they take me back to kind of a really awkward time in my life without realizing it. So sometimes get back into, get into the car and you know, obviously I never get to play my music in the car, heaven forbid. No and they take me back to a place in time that I just don't really want to to go. And sometimes I get into car. It's great, we have a little sing-along and a time that I just don't really want to go. And sometimes I get into a car and it's great, we have a little sing-along and a boogie, yeah, but just on the odd occasion I go oh ow. Oh, that hurt more than I thought it was going to. Anyway, four seasons in one day, crowded house, beautiful sun, okay, when we? Yeah.

Speaker 1: 2:48

So, my darling, as always, what is the question for today? Okay, I'm not going to say what I usually say. That's not where I'm going to start, no, but hear me out with this. It's not that much of a question, it's just a bit more advice. It's not as perimenopause related, but it's really good. You always say that, though, but I like, I like that. You like every question. Yeah, you get to choose them, so I mean you should like the question. This is Because you get to choose them Exactly. So I mean you should like the questions, but this is more advice-based. So I'm curious Okay, hit me with it, hit me with your rhythm stick, hit me, hit me.

Speaker 1: 3:11

So it's from Caroline. Hi, caroline, she's from Nottingham, right, I like that. They tell us where they're from. I know you is now, okay, bless her and wants to get back into dating. Oh good, yeah, I see where this one's going. She's been on some dating apps and has gone on a few dates with men and as soon as she feels like she's connecting with someone, they ghost her. Oh, okay, yeah, she feels like to get her confidence back after getting ghosted and after getting divorced, she needs to be with someone again really quickly.

Speaker 1: 3:44

Okay, yeah, what am I doing wrong? How can I successfully date in perimenopause? And I just need to find my confidence in dating again and I need to know where I'm going wrong. So I mean, it's not really perimenopause necessarily related, but, yeah, good one, yeah, it's, it's a juicy one again, isn't it? Okay, wow, there's so much there. Where do I start? Okay, first of all, caroline, hi, sweetheart, I get you, I hear you. I've been married and divorced twice, so I've got that T-shirt and that badge and the whole sticker collection, right. So I know how you feel.

Speaker 1: 4:22

But first of all, a lot of women experience this, particularly in perimenopause. I don't want to say perimenopause is the trigger for divorce, but we no, we don't want to say that, we're not saying that but it you get a lot less tolerant in perimenopause, yeah, so your tolerance levels drop. So so, yes, three years is a perfectly reasonable time span to say, yeah, I want to start dating again, right? So it's easy to fall into the mindset to think that confidence must come from finding a new partner, because in perimenopause, quite often a woman will feel like she's not confident in her body. We've talked about body confidence a lot in perimenopause because your body does change. Yeah, so if caroline were my life coaching client, I'd I've talked about her relationship with her body.

Speaker 1: 5:14

But many women in their early 40s, in perimenopause, will tell me that they've fallen out of love with their body. We did the whole another episode of us. Yes, so because their body changes, their skin changes. They don't like the way they look in the mirror anymore. So I will presume that. But, caroline, please forgive me if I've presumed wrong. Okay, darling.

Speaker 1: 5:37

So it's easy to think that. Well, if I date somebody and they tell me that they think I'm pretty or they think I'm you know, they start to say that I'm attractive. It's easy to gain confidence from that. I don't think it's just even perimenopause or women. I think it's no, it's fine in general. But the problem with perimenopause is that your natural confidence falls because your body changes. So, as we've talked about before, you can quite often I think we've talked about it before it's very difficult sometimes for me to remember what we've talked about because I obviously I talk in my perimenopause membership. I talk on tiktok, I talk, so I can't always remember where I've talked about it.

Speaker 1: 6:12

But your body produces a secondary source, or you get a secondary source of estrogen from your fat cells around your tummy. So your body produces a secondary source not as good a source of oestrogen, but a secondary source of oestrogen from, kind of the fat cells around your tummy area, and so that's why a lot of women in perimenopause get a lucky little ring of fat around their tummy and they quite. I don't want to do a whole. Well, we'll do a podcast. I'm sure somebody will now ask me about it. Um, so we tend to gain weight around our tummy. That's why a lot of women say I'm gaining weight, I've got more weight around my midsection, around my tummy area, and they don't like it. But that's because your body's trying to give you that secondary source of oestrogen and because it's not producing in your ovaries anymore.

Speaker 1: 6:57

Long story, don't look confused, I can't go there. New episode someone ask, somebody ask it and we have to one minute. So they fall out of love with their, with their bodies. The body starts to change and so they believe that to get external validation is a really good thing, because somebody else tells them, yeah, that they're pretty and it's easier. It's a cheap, right? I'm going to say, I'm going to please don't take this the wrong way but it's a cheaper source of validation than doing the hard work. Yeah, I know what you mean by cheap. It's not, it's not as difficult. Yeah, because when you look for external validation, that's what this is. This is external to you, okay. So somebody else tells you you look pretty. Somebody else tells you you're desirable and men on dating apps not always have good intentions.

Speaker 1: 7:46

No, some of them are here for a good time and not a long time. Some of them, unfortunately, do not have the best intentions. Some of them are not as single as they would make out. They are really. Yes, I don't know because my age, they probably are okay. So disclaimer here I met my partner on a dating app.

Speaker 1: 8:08

We met on a dating app called Bumble. This is not a paid advertisement, um, but I used Bumble. I mean, I was on literally for hardly any time at all, as wasn't he, and we just met we. You know, I was talking to quite a few folks. He wasn't talking to that many women, but I liked him because he, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1: 8:28

But I liked him because he was really championing whatever what I do for a living and he was like I had an event the next day and he was like go smash it. And I think I remember, yeah, yeah, and he was the only because I told a few people I was what I do, and he was in one that was like that is, that is the coolest, because I told a few people I was what I do, and he was the only one that was like that is that is the coolest thing ever. No, a few of them were like that's really cool, I really love what you do, but he was the only one that remembered that the next morning I was on stage in front of like quite a big audience that's really cute and he messaged me on the morning. That morning went like you, go smash it, I know you're gonna be great. And I was like this is the guy for me. Knowing him now, I'm not surprised, exactly right, because he's like so super supportive and so really, really kind.

Speaker 1: 9:08

So we met on a dating app, but I'd had a lot of in the very, very short time I was on the dating apps, I'd had a lot of unwanted attention, yeah, a few pictures that were unsolicited. One guy in particular wasn't single, didn't? I haven't told you about him, but he told you that he wasn't single. No, how did you know then? So, going backwards in time, so this is the first guy that I thought, oh, he's really cute, too nice.

Speaker 1: 9:37

So he would talk to me on the phone, but only in the evenings or randomly during the day. So he'd be like I'm just, I'm out to just go and get something, I'll call you when I'm in the car. So he'd be like oh, I'm just, I'm out to just go and get something, I'll call you when I'm in the car, so he'd only talk to me in the car. He would only talk to me when he was popping out to do something. Yeah, and I just had, completely naively, didn't add it up. Then he would talk to me when he.

Speaker 1: 9:58

Then he'd go on a like a work trip and he talked to me all the time and then he was on his way back from a work trip and I just didn't hear from him. So I messaged him, was like just let me know you're okay, like what's going on. And then he didn't. So we connected on Facebook, which he was really reluctant to do, and I thought that's really bizarre. Why is he so reluctant to do this anyway? So after we connected on Facebook, I sent him a message when he came out from the strip going listen, you know, I hope, hope nothing's happened, hope you're okay. Just let me know that you're okay. And then he just ghosted me, he completely disappeared. You're a naughty boy. Whoever you are, you're really naughty.

Speaker 1: 10:33

But the funny thing was, so I went on on these dating apps twice. I went on dating apps, met somebody, dated him for a few weeks wasn't for me, and that's when I spoke to him first anyway. So when I went back on and then I met my partner now he popped up again and I just sent and he swiped on me again. So I swiped on him and just sent him this whole string of laughing emojis and was like really question mark, and he went. I, he says, and then he wrote back to me and said it's a long story and I went I always is. And I he wrote back to me and said it's a long story and I went. I just wrote back to him and I went I have all night dot, dot dot, I'm sure, and he just never bothered himself. You know, it was just hilarious, anyway.

Speaker 1: 11:18

So you're looking for external validation from somebody they're going to love, bomb you or shower you with compliments that's going to give you this artificial boost. You're going to feel all glowy, you're going to feel great. Bearing in mind, this is not coming from internally, this is coming externally. So when you give somebody the power to make you feel good, bearing in mind they may not have the best intentions, evidently, evidently okay. They also may be the walking wounded, yeah, meaning they may have just come out of a long-term relationship. They may be going through a shitty divorce because, men, you've waited three years, caroline, just caroline, isn't it? So caroline's waited three years after she's got divorced to do this. They might have just left their wife last week, or not, or not left their wife at all.

Speaker 1: 12:07

I'm not saying all men are like that, please don't, but I had, based on my experience, and there are women that are calling men out. It's a new trend. On tiktok, I have not seen that, but I've seen some on facebook and wow, guys, oh my god, I love the screenshots of the messages of you finding out he's cheap. Oh my god, I'm so with you on that. I will defend you. Yes, we hate him. I don't know who you are, and it's like when, when people are on planes and they're like some guy sits next to them and they go. Whoever suzanna in baltimore is, just let your know. Your husband took off his wedding ring on flight. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, oh, seriously, it's a thing. And then we go imagine finding out your husband's done that. Yeah, so, and it's like girls code, right, men? No, no, it's not. But it's not all men, but it's, but it's yeah anyway. So we don't want to put Caroline off because, no, sorry.

Speaker 1: 13:07

So my partner and I have been together for nearly six years. Yeah, yeah, we live together. We have a beautiful life together. He supports me endlessly in my business. You went through COVID together. We went through COVID together. He's very long-suffering because I do a lot of stuff and he's so sweet and kind and I'll be like, yeah, I'm working all weekend and he just like, leaves food passing outside my door when I'm doing pulling weird shifts and he's so sweet.

Speaker 1: 13:37

So it's not all men, but the thing is so somebody might love, bomb you, even with a genuine connection and you think it's going to work out. They may shower you with love, they may give you all this attention, and then they go oh do you know what? It's not for me, for whatever reason, and they withdraw that affection. They withdraw that. You know. I'm not saying it's not genuine, but you don't know each other. Yeah, but then they love Bon, so it makes you feel like he knows you. This is the point. So with online dating, then you know you're just texting, you're doing all this stuff you make.

Speaker 1: 14:10

So my dad is a criminal, as you know, criminal profiler, right? So we're both psychology-based people. So we have some interesting debates. My dad's very supportive of what I do. He loves what I do and he edits a lot of my documents. He, he reviews my work for me, he, he proofreads my research for me. He's he's a sweetheart, isn't he? I mean, I'm lucky. I'm so lucky as a human. I'm surrounded by family that love what I do and support me. I'm genuinely blessed anyway.

Speaker 1: 14:39

So when I first got divorced and I was going through online dating, yeah, as it happens, I said to my dad da, I call him da da. What is the secret to love. It was no question, because I've been married twice, divorced twice, and I literally said to him what is the secret of love? And he said to me smelly eggs. So I said so, here we go. So I said to him come on, it's got to be a structuring what grandpa? Yeah. So I said to him come on, it must. So I said to him come on, it's got to be a shattering what grandpa? Yeah. So I said to him come on, it must be earth shattering. Right, there must be some handed down secret from the hands of time, you know, yeah, and he said so.

Speaker 1: 15:12

He said there's two things. First of all, you have to like their morals. You have to like them. You have to think that they're sound. You have to believe in them as a human being. Yeah, for example, if you believe that we should save the rainforest and you believe that that, you know that starving children in africa, you know need to be funded and stuff, they can't be kind of like burn the forest and everything for profit. Yeah, you know. I mean there has to be like a meeting of minds. And the second thing is and I was thinking this is going to be profound, like this is going to blow my mind right. This is going to like be earth shattering wise words from your father. Yeah, I mean like, yeah, he's been in psychology for 50 something years. This is going to be.

Speaker 1: 15:58

And he just turned and said you have to like their smell. He told me something similar, yeah, and I was like what? Yeah, he said, said you have to like their smell. He told me something similar and I was like what? Yeah, he said you're going to have to love somebody, no matter what. Even when they wake up in the morning and scratch their ass, first thing you still have to find them attractive. So basically, I was like what?

Speaker 1: 16:13

And he goes basically you pheromonally have to be attracted to them. So it doesn't matter if you think that they're best person on the planet, like they could be gandhi and the dalai lama meets you know, mother teresa. But do you know what I mean? They could be the best human being and the most intelligent and everything combined. But if you don't fancy them, yeah, it's over. Yeah, we've all had that personal lives that we think you are just the best human.

Speaker 1: 16:40

Yeah, if only I fancied you. Yeah, if only you did it for me. Yeah, it's crazy how that I know, and it's such a shame, and we've liked uglier people. I have fancied yes, you have Shut up, but I fancied ugly humans and I fancied bad people, yeah, but you can't explain it. No, but in order to feel love, they have to be a good human, a good egg, and you have to like their smell for a moment. But how would Caroline see them out? Smelly eggs, right? So you can't do that. Online dating, mm-hmm. So you can like them as a person. They could be a good egg when you're texting them, but you can't know if you fancy them until you meet them in person, because you can't smell them, but you can't know the phone numbers.

Speaker 1: 17:41

So what I want to say to Caroline is don't invest too much emotion. So a woman will persuade herself that she fancies a man, even if he doesn't meet her criteria. Okay, because it makes sense on paper, because it makes sense on paper and you think, well, I'd have a good life with him. Because a woman, when she's dating a man, has already married him in her head yeah, why did you do that? And has already kind of like thought, well, what kind of father is he going to be? Or father to his children, what kind of stepdad is he going to be in caroline's case, maybe, if she's got kids, you know? And how would their families blend and where they would spend christmas and who's fun?

Speaker 1: 18:14

And we've done it all and we've had that. We've had the dress. We need to know the psychology behind that is there. Someday my prince will come. Someday I'll find my love. Yeah, we grew up on bloody disney. Yeah, we did, we did. All of us. Disney has got a lot to answer for and so we've already done the wedding in our heads.

Speaker 1: 18:36

Unfortunately and this is the problem because we invest straight away, whether we do it deliberately, consciously, subconsciously, whatever, we've already invested and we need to just chill a little bit more, because what happens is so we start chatting to this guy. He's lovely. He's like oh my god, you're so interesting, oh my god, you're so witty. I could talk to you all night. I could just sit up and talk to you, you're so. Don't tell me he doesn't. And so you're going. Oh my god, it's so long since I've had somebody tell me that because your ex was a complete pig, which is why I'm talking till three in the morning, fantastic, right.

Speaker 1: 19:24

Then you meet in person and it's like you're really quite boring and then you go home and you say to your sisters or your mum or your girlfriend well, I'll give him another chance, because maybe he was tired after work. Yeah, I mean, he opened the car door for me. Yeah, as a gentleman, I mean, and I mean there was a few awkward silences, but it was just the first date. I mean he opened the car door for me. Yeah, he's a gentleman, I mean, and I mean there was a few awkward silences, but it was just the first date. I mean there's bound to happen, right, because we just don't know each other that well. I mean I can't compare him to insert x's name here, because we just do each other really well, right? Yeah, don't excuse the lack of chemistry. And a man will go no, she's not for me. They won't excuse the lack of chemistry.

Speaker 1: 20:08

So why do we? Because we've already planned the wedding, or we've already just invested and we have this thing called sunk investment. So we've invested two weeks of our time, we've got emotionally attached, we've already just even if we're not planning the wedding that's not everybody at our age we might not have done, because we're like no, thank you. I mean, do you not plan, like growing old with someone. Uh, maybe, and it is, I mean, for me. You know, bless scott, he knows I will never get married again. I'd love to stick up into my eyes.

Speaker 1: 20:36

But no matter what's happened, if you've already invested, you go and you seek connection, you seek validation and then, when that's withdrawn, you sink down low because you it's not come from you internally, it's been given to you externally. When it's then removed, you sink, you drop, because you haven't provided it to yourself. So then what you do is you want to quickly go back and find it again from somebody else, because you haven't provided it internally, it's been given to you externally. So the quickest way to get that feeling back up again is to go find somebody else to, not to boost your confidence. That's exactly what she said. Yeah, right. So then you know.

Speaker 1: 21:18

And because he ghosts you, yeah, which is emotionally really immature, by, by the way, and you would think I mean obviously, how old is Karen, did she say? Well, she's perimenopause, so let's presume early 40s. So it's saying more about his lack of emotional maturity than it is you. But guys maybe don't like confrontation and they're just like switch off, disappear next Because it's online dating, Right. So have you never ghosted anyone? No, I tell them, oh, okay, but honesty is, I'm on the spectrum, yeah, I don't do. I don't do lack of honesty, yeah.

Speaker 1: 21:55

So I used to give everybody nicknames, and this is a really good idea, because online dating, online dating, can be brutal. So one of the ways I would say is a good way to go through online dating is to gamify it a little bit, but I used to give them nicknames because that made me feel less bad if something went wrong. Yeah, you know, it's just okay because then it just so. One was called Peter Pan because he never grew up, because he clearly hasn't ever grown up.

Speaker 1: 22:21

Okay, he talked to me and it was like all over me and then when we met up, he still went to Ibiza and he still wore like chunky, like wristbands, like he was 19 years old and he was still going clubbing and he was in his late 40s and his ex-wife was in her early 20s. No, I mean like. And he talked to me like I was a frumpy middle-aged woman, ex-wife as well. Yeah, yeah, 20s, yeah, yeah. And he talked to me like I was like a frumpy middle-aged woman when I was in my early 40s. So you can imagine what I used to look like in my early 40s. Yeah, and he was talking to me and he was pushing 50, yeah, and I was like hot, you know. And he, yeah, no, well, you're pushing 16lp upon, yeah, same. But then so I used to call them all different nicknames, because it was just like I used to give a nickname and then bless and release them as their nickname. Bye, bye, peter pan, off you go. Because then it was like bless and release, because then he never contacted me again.

Speaker 1: 23:15

Yeah, because as soon as we met, we were both looking at each other and we're like no, yeah, yeah, no, no, that's, have you ever left a date early? Because he thought Him we just had a coffee. I ended up coaching him for an hour and we left Because he had all kinds of problems. He'd been rejected by his birth mother twice. She rejected him and then he reached out to her when he was an adult, after he got divorced, and she rejected him again. So he had lots of issues going on. That sucks, oh yeah. Of issues going on. That sucks, um, oh, yeah. That's why it's peter pan. That's why it's peter pan.

Speaker 1: 23:51

So this is mr ranarack. So mr ranarack looked quite suave and sophisticated on his profile and we rearranged to meet at a kind of halfway in between our places for a drinking, like a walk in the woods, and then a drink in the pub. Yeah, and I pulled into the car park and I saw him sitting on a wall in his anorak and it took all the power of my mum's voice in my head saying don't be rude, don't be rude, don't be rude, because I was just going to do a u-turn and go back out the car park and leave and I just thought that's really unacceptable behavior, you can't be that rude. But I really really wanted to. Okay, like, really really wanted to. I was like no, you can't be that rude, that's unacceptable behavior.

Speaker 1: 24:23

So I forced myself to get out of the car. So I was like hi and like this, and he was so aggressive, like passive aggressive to me all the time. So he was thinking of changing jobs at the time and I was giving him advice. He was like I don't need your advice, thank you, you don't know me. And I was like okay, so then don't. Yeah, it was just horrid, horrid, and I couldn't wait to leave. Like I stayed for an hour, including the drink, like that's how I was like, and I made some really lame excuse about going back for a dog that we didn't have. Like it was really like, like it was really bad. You could have told me to call you. I would have pretended to be a dog. You were away, that was the thing. So I left.

Speaker 1: 25:05

And then that evening I wrote him a message and I just said it's really nice to meet you, thank you for meeting me, um, but you have to apply. And I just said, unfortunately, I did. There was no chemistry from my side. I do appreciate you getting to know me, taking time out of your life to meet me. However, there was no chemistry from my side, so I think we'll just leave it there, but I wish you all the best in your dating adventures and hopefully you meet a compatible woman soon and take care. He wrote back and said well, soon as your girls are away this week, why don't we just have fun? Because while the girls are away, the mum can play Cheeky shit, I know, and while you're waiting for Mr Right, I can keep you company.

Speaker 1: 25:48

And then he made some sexual comments I won't share on air, but I just blocked him and I was just like that is disgusting. Even if you wanted that, that was someone that you didn't have chemistry with. I've just told you. I've just told you. You, basically I don't fancy you. I found him physically repulsive. It took all. This is why you don't be that nice. You say you be honest and say do you know what? I nearly turned around, mate, but out of respect I didn't, but you're actually a bit of a twat the way you thought to me and you're not actually a very pleasant human and you're a bit of a perv. Yeah, but yeah, so that was like, oh my Lord. And then I wish you everything you deserve. That was Mr Manorack anyway.

Speaker 1: 26:31

So men will ghost, so it's not just you. She went through it too. Yeah, what you have to understand is it's not a reflection of your self-worth. Yeah, it's not a reflection of your self-worth. It's the nature of online dating and what I would say is focus on building up your own self-esteem, recognize your own unique qualities and what you build to what you bring to relationship. So, when you feel truly confident with who you are, rejection including ghosting, because ghosting is also will affect you less and because your sense of self-worth will be stronger. It's just part of what goes on.

Speaker 1: 27:10

So there's two things I want. If I can on my client, I would ask her to do things. First thing I would say is make a list and this is very old hat, but it does work. Make a list of 12 qualities that you would love in a partner, and 10 are non-negotiable. And 10 are non-negotiable. You told me to do that. Yeah, so it helps you to settle less for people that you're going to, and the reason why this is so effective is it helps you to be less compromising. So stuff like what, for example? Well, you can be as shallow or as deep as you like. Okay, because you told me, when I told you, what do I write down, you were like, don't say he needs to look like Brad Pitt with Elon Musk's bank account. Yeah, I mean.

Speaker 1: 27:52

So it's 12 characteristics or attitudes or characters. So my number one thing was kind. Yeah, and the one thing you always say about my partner is the kindest man alive, not nice. I don't like nice men, because then I'm like kind men. There's a difference between the two. Yeah, so, for example, for me, it was important that somebody would support me in my work, because my work is sometimes all encompassing. I'm, as you know, I'm ADHD. I'm on the spectrum, so sometimes I get completely fascinated with something that I'm doing and I can't switch it off, and so I might work till three o'clock in the morning and then be absolutely useless the next day and someone just has to pick up the slack and just know that. That's just my character.

Speaker 1: 28:35

Also, I'm trilingual, so it needed to be somebody that would understand. Sometimes I'm talking in a different language in the house, not because I talk to spirits or those weird things, but you and I might speak in Arabic sometimes, just because we're talking in Arabic. Just, it's a good way to, so we don't both, don't forget, yeah, language, but it's just. Sometimes we're talking about something and because we're talking about something that happened in Cairo, we'll switch into Arabic because it happened over there. Yeah, which makes sense, which makes sense to us. Because we were talking about someone that we know from Cairo, we'll switch into Arabic. So I needed someone to just be okay with that. Yeah, so things like Also, I like men that are around six foot, because I'm not small, so that's quite shallow, yeah, but the others are quite deep, yeah, I wanted somebody that would live close to me, because I don't like driving at night?

Speaker 1: 29:27

Yeah, because since I've been in perimenopause it's not anxiety, I would say I'd say I have a less preference for driving at night because my eyes don't adjust as well as they used to. Yeah, those are good things, though, including the fact that you're in perimenopause, and maybe a few more filters. So it's like it's some are deep, some are shallow, some are important, and so if you were dating, I'd say make a list of 12 things, 10 of which are non-negotiable. Why? Because it will stop you compromising earlier. Yeah, when you actually meet somebody and you're investing your time, you're less likely to waste time on somebody that doesn't suit you and therefore you're weirdly less likely to get ghosted. Yeah, because if you're compatible with them, they're likely to be more compatible with you, so there's more likely to be a meeting of souls there. That's number one, and number two is building up your self-confidence. I want you to make a list of what you bring to the table. Example I'm a funny and quirky human being.

Speaker 1: 30:33

Okay, I know that I can make people laugh. You are pretty funny. I'm a joy. I can make people laugh. I'm a funny and quirky human being. Okay, I know that I can make people laugh. You are pretty funny. I'm a joy. I can make. I'm a joy. No, I am a joy. Okay, live, I can make people laugh.

Speaker 1: 30:46

I can do loads of accents. I can talk in different accents. I can talk in European accents. I can talk in all the UK accents. I can make you giggle. I can talk in European accents. I can talk in all the UK accents. I can make you giggle. Thanks.

Speaker 1: 30:57

Would it help for someone else to help you write the list of good things about me? Yeah, so if you can't write the list, text your square squad. Yeah, your square squad are the people that look you square in the eyes and tell you the truth. Ah, so you'd be my square squad because you tell me the truth. You do the same with me. I was thinking I asked you yesterday. Yeah, so you'll come up to me and say I'm not going to be offended, and I always go, oh dear lord, what? Yeah, but and they're also the people that would help you bury your body, do you know? I mean those kind of people that just come, I'm getting the car on the shovel where I'm meeting you, kind of people. So the kind of people that would help you, that would tell you the truth with love, because they want the very best for you, and you would take it from them because you know that they love you that much. Yeah, exactly, square, squad, square in the eyes. So text those people and say what do you love about me, what qualities do I have? Yeah, that's quite cute actually texting a few people and just say what qualities do I have? And if any match in common, that's something clearly that you are.

Speaker 1: 32:04

Yeah, but I know I can cook. Yeah, I don't cook very often because I'm always working, but I can cook. I can't bake. You wouldn't want to eat a single thing that I bake. I can't bake. You wouldn't want to eat a single thing that I bake. I'm a lousy baker because I don't measure anything and it gets burned because I forget what I'm doing and all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1: 32:23

But I I mean you're baking, there we go, but you eat a lasagna every day, every week, every other lasagna is ruined. I had a lasagna today when I went and it was nice. It just didn't hit a spot. But do you know what I mean? So there's things that you can do. Like I'm really good with animals, I'm a big lover of animals. So you know, and there's things. So figure out what you're good at, cute, what do you bring?

Speaker 1: 32:42

Okay, and date with confidence. Instead of seeing as dating as a way to fix your confidence, think of it as an extension of your already complete and fabulous self. Yeah, extension of your already complete and fabulous self. Don't rush into finding someone as a way to fill a void. Be open to connections, but ensure those connections are with people that are emotionally available and aligned to your values. Confidence in dating when you know what you deserve and you're not afraid to walk away yeah, yeah. So if people don't meet your standards, you have to be not afraid to walk away.

Speaker 1: 33:20

Yeah, and perimenopause yes, it's a time of transformation, both physically and emotionally, but it's also a good time to remember you know, rediscover who you are, yeah, and rediscover what you want, true, and when you show up for a date as your most authentic, most self-assured, most beautiful self, you will naturally attract healthier and more meaningful connections. Yeah, we've gone way over time. We have, actually, but hey-ho, that's okay. All right, my darling, I hope that helps and, as always, if you have any questions for us, please feel free to WhatsApp us or go to the group, which is Perimenopause with Kate Gravener. I hope that helps. Take care, and we will speak to you soon.

Speaker 1: 34:03

Bye, thanks for joining us today on the Uncomplicated Perimenopause podcast. We hope you found this episode helpful and inspiring. Don't forget if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover. You can reach out through our perimenopause group or on whatsapp. For more information on my coaching, perimenopause supplements, books or upcoming events, please visit wwwkategrovernercom and if you've enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate and review our podcast. It really helps us reach more listeners, just like you. Until next time, remember, perimenopause doesn't have to be complicated. We're here to help you every step of the way. Stay uncomplicated complicated.